How to Agree

In this time of political discord, I remember Abraham Lincoln’s words before the Civil War. He wrote, “Americans, all, we are not enemies but friends—We have sacred ties of affection which, though strained by passions, let us hope can never be broken.”

Rile, chafe, argue, fuss, or scorn interferes with happiness. On the other hand, citizens must maintain freedom of speech. Impeded speech breeds tyrants and demagogues. How, then, can our speech be bold, courageous, decisive, and firm with malice toward none, with kindness for all?

First, let us remember that we are creatures of emotion, bristling with bias and driven by pride and self-interest. Persuasion begins with respect. Find something to admire about the other person. We all have passions and feelings that are easily shattered. Tread softly. Benjamin Franklin, one of the most admired Americans, wrote, “I will speak ill of no man and speak on the good I know of everybody.”

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Learn about their belief system. Where are they coming from? How will their opinion help them? Why do they think the way they do? What are their good traits? What is good about their ideas? What can you learn from them? And then, how can you find common ground?

Never tell a person they are wrong. Instead of condemning people with whom we disagree, understand them. Before taking a stand, listen to the other person’s point of view. Listen. Listen. Listen. Be quiet. Shut up. Don’t interrupt. Don’t irritate people with your accomplishments or knowledge. Be humble. Be modest. Empathize with the other person’s ideas and desires.

Discard bluster. Begin with benevolence. A friendly approach wins friends. Persuades people. Admit mistakes quickly and emphatically. Tread softly. Use, I need a little time to think about that. I don’t entirely agree with it myself, sometimes. Confessing vulnerability strengthens you. This is so important that I will repeat it in another way: Showing weakness gives you strength. It reduces the power of the other person. Their attacks fizzle. They shrink. They may even possibly want to help you feel better.

All of us would do well to remember that it is impossible to win an argument. An argument almost always strengthens the other person’s convictions. Even if we correctly prove all of our points, we still lose. Because we have hurt the other person’s pride, resentment begins to fester.

We don’t want to be indecisive, capricious, inconsistent, or wishy-washy. Instead, we want to stand firm on our beliefs while finding a way to get others to listen to our point of view. To end bluster, begin with benevolence. A kindly, friendly approach sets the stage for an amiable agreement.

Use the yes approach of Socrates. Immediately get the other person to agree. Ask questions that foster agreement. Do you believe in freedom? Do you believe in freedom of speech? Do you believe in apple pie? Do you think the earth is round? If they fail to answer affirmatively to this question, move on. Do you believe we are in contentious times? Do you think our country is splitting apart? Do you feel things are hopeless? Do you think there’s a chance we can find common ground?

Good will finds a way.